My issues with painkillers started about 5 years ago. A condition known as 'testicular varicosele' found its way into my life. I was in college at the time, and without insurance. As a recovering alcoholic, I know that I am susceptible to addiction, and did my best to stay away from opiates. However, two unsuccessful surgeries later, and then a third to remove a malignant tumor from my kidney (and most of my kidney with it) and I finally broke. I couldn't take it anymore. I had been living my life like someone was hammering on my testicles for 2 years at this point. I found a doctor that took mercy on me, and I have been on a slowly rising dose of narcotics ever since.
I'm stuck. I have to take the pills or I get sick. Painkillers have helped give me some quality of life back, while simultaneously sacrificing other parts of my life. It is a terrible burden. My wife doesn't realize the extent of the grip these things have on me. I don't know how to even begin working away from opiates at this point. I have been very diligent in trying to keep my tolerance down, but my dose slowly rises over the years, and now I take between 200 and 300 milligrams of opiates every day. I am back at work after the kidney surgery, but how long can I do this? How long can I just take this dangerous medicine til it catches up with me? But what else to do? How many times do I let them cut me?
I am not homeless. I am college educated and employed. I have a family. I'm not out robbing people to get my fix. So I'm not your stereotypical junkie living in a van under the bridge. But could that be my future? Who knows? I've never tried heroin, but had I not found a sympathetic doctor, who knows? I suspect my story is not unique.
It doesn't always begin with a conscious choice to become a junkie, and it certain isn't just a poor, under-privileged minority problem. I was raised in a white, middle- to upper- class suburb and am well-educated with a masters degree and my opiate addiction began with prescriptions from my doctor who one day decided to stop writing the prescriptions without any instruction or attempts to wean me off even though I had been taking opiates for years. Physically dependent, I had no choice but to either be sick or self-medicate.
Already in pain from the fibromyalgia and arthritis that had been the reason I was taking the pills to begin with, I was not going to suffer through a withdrawal so bad that I thought I was dying as well. So I bought pills on the streets. When it got too expensive to keep buying pills and with supplies not always being consistent, I turned to heroin. I am a perfect example of how addiction does not discriminate.
For opioids, the entry is to manage real pain. For me, a near fatal bicycle wreck broke my back and every bone in my skull. Thus, real pain results from real trauma. Enter painkillers. Enter dependence to not only chase away the pain, but to invite the velvet, where for a moment, there is no more fear, no more anger at the injury, only the velvet lie of a fleeting potion that over time, steals more than it heals.
And then you are back to the beginning, what to do about the pain?
I wish people understood how much I wanted to stop, how much I hated what my life had become. I think people assume that there is a lot more choice involved than there is. But I don't think anyone really chooses to become a heroin addict. I chose to start getting high initially but something changed in me where pot and alcohol weren't enough and I compulsively sought better ways to get high. By the time heroin came into the picture it was too late, I was already gone. Heroin does not sound like a good idea to a rational human being and some people can use other recreational or prescribed drugs and remain rational. Those of us who become junkies are people who are rendered incapable of making good decisions when mind-altering substances are introduced to our bloodstream. You might call it a slippery slope, the regression from casual partying to heroin but it's really a very slow process of accepting different levels of normality.
The first time I knew of one of my friends shooting up I was disgusted, but it gradually became less foreign and one day just didn't seem like a bad idea anymore. After that point it is a quick downhill to rock bottom. The first time I shot up I had just turned 18 and that afternoon I was leaving the country to visit my parents for a month. I dreamt of heroin every night I was gone, And while I knew it was a bad idea, I knew as soon as I got back to the States I was going to do it again, just one more time. I spent the next three years waking up every day with the intention of getting clean but a few hours into the day I'd think, just one more time, then tomorrow I will do things differently.
It's hard to explain to anyone who's never been through it and I can see how it would be hard to understand because it doesn't make sense, but there was no choice. Even now, I have to keep reminding myself because it doesn't make sense to me anymore either. I have been clean for six years and am married. I, no joke, drive a minivan, have three small children and a nice house with a pool. Most people don't know and would never assume that I spent any time living in a tent behind a supermarket using dirty needles and rainwater to inject heroin into my neck. So that's the other thing I wish people knew, and really believed, is that we change. We Hate ourselves as much as society hates us but we don't have to stay that way forever, we can change into amazing beings.
You can become addicted to prescription opioids and not even realize you have a problem, till it's too late. In the haze of the high and loved ones saying they're worried about you, you lie to yourself and them and say you need the pills, that the doctor wouldn't give you something that would hurt you, that you need them or the pain will be unbearable. So you pull away from everyone so they don't see you high. Not realizing you are not just taking the medicine for pain -- you now need it daily to just to get out of bed. Without it, you're physically sick. Your whole body hurts, and you know the answer to fix it all is the opioids.
I stopped using, I got help and got to see there is still life left to live. My younger brother passed in December 2014 from a combined drug intoxication and heroin was one of the drugs that helped take his life along with prescription drugs. He lost his battle but I am fighting it in his name to try and help bring this front and center, and let people know there is help out there, there is life after all this. They have to want to get clean, more than they want to get high.
I never woke up one day and decided that I wanted to become a drug addict.
I was in college and working full-time when I stepped on an earring in my apartment. The earring pierced my left heel, and days later an abscess formed. With fevers above 102.5 F for several days, I went to the ER for treatment.
I got IV antibiotics and hydrocodone. The infection cleared, and the pain ceased. I took the extra hydrocodone anyways. It made me feel happy, and dulled the stress of work and school. I started buying OxyContin from someone with a prescription.
Once the makers of OxyContin revealed the abuse-proof formula, the doctor started to prescribe morphine (much cheaper). So, I bought morphine. First, I thought it was okay as long as I only used on my days off. I graduated college so things weren’t too bad…right? Pretty soon I told myself I was okay as long as I only used after work. Then it was okay as long as I only used on my break.
My addiction progressed to using all day everyday. I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t support my habit anymore and lived with a constant struggle of trying to find more. Then, I found out I was pregnant. He saved my life.
I finally got help. I have a 6-month-old son, a loving fiancé, a supportive family. I have 14 months in recovery. I am not a junkie. I am someone’s daughter, mother, sister, and friend. For me, it started with a snap decision to take a pill just for fun. That decision nearly destroyed me.
I wish people could take a walk in my shoes, because (before receiving treatment) I loved the feeling I got from opioids, but when dependent, I hated the fact that I couldn't stop it. I stole massive amounts of prescription grade opioid analgesics from a friend's father who was a physician. For some reason he had massive amounts of these drugs in his home in pharmacy stock bottles. People need to understand that we are affected by a horrible disease. We hate the disruption and pain it causes with friends, family, and peers. We are also very functional. I began using when I was 15 and I got good grades in high school while on these drugs. By 16, I had a dependence, and when I could not access the drugs at times, I would have to endure withdrawal syndrome. It was the acute phase that lasted about a week, but then afterwards there is a long period of anhedonia.
I have an anxiety disorder along with depression and ADHD. I would say that most opioid abusers have an underlying mental disorder. I finished high school, and went off to university and I was out of options until I found that Oxycodone was in a new formulation that was nearly impossible to abuse. So I switched to heroin, and I also used a needle exchange program and clean syringes. This was in the spring of 2011. I was an isolated user, and I worked hard on my studies and did well. Finally everything came tumbling down while on summer holiday. I decided to go onto Suboxone (buprenorphine naloxone medicine) therapy. I did inpatient, and then did an intensive outpatient program at the hospital system in my area. I saw a private practice physician within my insurance consortium to obtain access to the buprenorphine therapy. I think this drug is much better than methadone, and it is outpatient. I was 19 at the time and I really needed help. I have no desire to consume opioids, and I also see a psychiatrist for my underlying mental health issues.
I am 24 now, and I am working and after transferring universities and finding out what I wanted to do. I study mathematics and business (accountancy). I think if the buprenorphine prescribing limits were removed and all physicians had prescribing powers for the purpose of opioid abuse, things would get much better, and had access to universal health care. I wish people knew what it was like to simultaneously love the rush and euphoria of the drug, yet hate how one needs that rush to function properly. I think that the public at large needs to understand that opioid abuse is prevalent nearly everywhere.
I am lucky to be on a medicine that stabilizes me and makes me not desire to chase that rush. 12 step programs made my use worse, and I instead used smart recovery. It is so hard to describe the horrors of being hooked on this terrible drug. There are legitimate pain patients that need it, but some gets diverted. I feel stable on buprenorphine, and this medical option is a tool that works. I am glad I am on it, and I wish those hooked on opioids for the wrong reasons had access to the drug buprenorphine. My heart aches for those that are chasing the high and want to clean up. The war on drugs needs to treat users as a public health issue. Not as a criminal justice issue. Period. Harm reduction works and helps. Access to treatment that I have is necessary for those addicted.
This opioid addiction is terrifying to an outsider looking in, but as a user it seems natural and normal. People don't wish to be this… it seems to just happen. No one grows up saying, "When I grow up I want to be a drug addict." I've been on both sides of the fence. I'm a person in long term recovery. …It means I haven't had a drink or drug since February 23, 2014.
I was that hopeless broken girl, the girl with no purpose, no goals, no values. I felt as though I didn't matter, I didn't have a voice, and I would just die a "junkie." I hated myself and thought "people would be better without me." I had goals and dreams, I had a great family and friends, I had the world at my hands and I traded it first for a pill that later turned into a needle. The needle took me to a whole new world of addiction. It took my morals and values away. It took my family and friends; it took my education, my purpose. Lastly, it took me.
Heroin changed me into this "other" person. When looking in the mirror I didn't recognize my reflection, I no longer was the girl I knew. …At the end my family was done, they couldn't take it any longer. I got an ultimatum get sober or get out. I always thought they hated me but I was wrong. I decided I couldn't live as an active user any longer. I've changed my life around. I work in the field of addiction and I'm a student... taking classes for my drug and alcohol license. I work in a recovery home for women. I see how powerful this disease really is from a different perspective and it's scary. I had so many great accomplishments in a short amount of time. I've rebuilt important relationships that I broke. I worked really hard to get to this point in my life.
The best part of my job is seeing that broken lost girl find her voice and purpose in life just as I did. Seeing the light come back into a girl's face and seeing her shine. I think because there are so many unsuccessful and sad stories out there we miss the successful stories. The stories with hope attached to them. The stories where mothers and children are being reunited, the stories where women are standing on their own two feet and working towards goals and achieving them, the stories where that broke lost girl finds her way and makes it. These are the stories of hope, if you look hard enough they're on every corner... Advice? Never lose hope in a person with substance abuse disorder.
I've had 3 back surgeries and began my use with oxycodone which eventually turned into heroin after my script was taken for a bulls*** reason. I do have nerve damage and I've been disabled since I was 28 in 2013. 90% of my effort goes to getting well and ending any withdrawals I currently am suffering through. I refuse to steal or pawn anything so I stay sick often. I rarely ever use enough of any opiate to feel "high". These days I use it to get well.
Watch out if your child is prescribed pain medication at an early age. My son hurt his back playing football in his senior year of high school. He was prescribed pain medication. When the medication ran out, he started buying pills on the street. Then that became too expensive so he started using heroin. He passed away November 23, 2015 of a drug overdose. I miss him every day. He didn't realize what opioids were or how addictive they can be.
We need to get the word out to these kids. I would like to help in any way I can. This can happen to anyone. He was a good boy with good grades. He would have done anything for anyone. He always had a smile on his face. He was loved by everyone… family... friends... teachers... coaches. He always wanted to help out his friends so if there is anything I can do to help please let me know. This is what Peter would want.
I struggled with opium addiction for years bc of an abusive childhood and feeling unloved. Being a musician brought easy access to beautiful people who had substances that made the past hurt less. When I became involved in Anonymous, doing peer support for jailed hacktivists, the stress was unbelievable. Even as the founder of Free Matt DeHart and as an activist for Free Barrett Brown, I was still struggling to stay clean. It was only after Matt (who is my biological cousin) won the Courage Foundation Award, that I had time to look at my life and realize my potential to create real change in a suffering world was being stifled by heroin. I went to rehab and have been heroin free since October 2014. I am in school and plan on going to law school and continuing my activism in surveillance, defense, and intelligence reform.
I am a mom of a recovering addict! My son became addicted at a very young age without me even realizing through prescription drugs. As a young child he would always get codeine prescribed for his colds, than when he was 14 he had all his wisdom teeth pulled and was given Percocet. Marijuana was also an issue as well. Then, when he turned 21 and was of legal age to drink he thought he did not have a problem with alcohol, but the alcohol like any drug led him back to his cheapest high -- the heroin. I wish [people] to understand that it is like any addiction such as alcohol it may have been a choice in the beginning, but it than becomes an allergy!...
It is not easy to quit and many have no support system because they have burned all their bridges. If family and friends could understand it as a disease and be more compassionate and loving regardless if they seem to be un-loveable. They may have done a lot of awful things, but still are a human being and deserve to be treated with dignity. I wish society to understand that legalizing marijuana is ludicrous it is a gateway drug and if you ask anyone with an addiction they will probably tell you it started with marijuana and alcohol or prescription. We need to make rehabilitation and more programs that last longer than a few days available to all. It takes a minimum of 30 days to help them get a good start.
I wish people understood this could happen to anyone and would stop stereotyping it to dirty homeless junkies. I had a great childhood and grew up in a small town not in the city. My life was great. I had everything I wanted a house, beautiful wife, etc. Then, I had surgery and the doc gave me opioids for pain. That was the start. Just funneled out of control from there.
The irrationality of an addict's mental processes. Heroin use reprograms your mind so you are unable to think about much more than your next fix and the means to get it. You bypass any moral code you may have held in order to get more and keep putting off any feelings of guilt, shame or regret until you have it. Then they don't seem to matter that much anymore until it wears off. Then it's time to worry about the next fix. And the vicious cycle continues. You're not really getting high anymore, you keep needing more and more just to feel somewhat normal, to stop the pain and guilt from crashing down. The physical withdrawals are horrible but the real hell is in your mind. All that avoidance results in a well of stress and negative emotion and when the smack wears off it's like a dam bursting. You are unable to function. You can't even think coherently and that's when reality hits you. Just when you can't process it.
Opioid abuse sneaks into a person's life on kitten's paws. It does not discriminate. I was a senior manager at a huge aerospace company, making more than $130,000 a year. I was amazed how quickly getting pills became my obsession. Needing more and more, I was always terrified I would run out. Money was not the problem, finding the pills was the problem.
… We do not want to be addicts. When I was a child I wanted to be a veterinarian, not a homeless addict. We are humans, we have jobs, children, hopes, and dreams. I grew up with both of my parents, in a nice house, in a good town. I never tried drugs or alcohol in high school. I was an honor student and was selected to study abroad in Brazil for a year after high school, and that is when my life changed. I was raped, and thousands of miles from anyone I knew. I felt emotions I had never felt before, and was offered a beer and accepted. My life changed forever. Alcohol made it all OK for awhile. Years later, after coming home and keeping my secret, after a four-year abusive relationship, another abusive relationship, and a daily drinking habit, I found out I was pregnant. I quit drinking, but I was miserable until after I had my beautiful daughter, and got a prescription for opiates. I was hooked after the first one, because I was able to function, I had energy, I was "OK." I was a single mother in college, and I saw nothing wrong with taking my prescription to make me "happy" and pain-free. Before long I was buying higher doses off the street, taking more everyday, and abandoned school and all of my other responsibilities, including my daughter who I eventually left at my parents' house. I then became pregnant again, and once again got clean until after she was born. Over the next two years I sold drugs, lived in terrible places, did terrible things, got in trouble, and started using heroin. The day I decided enough was enough, I was in treatment court but was still using and I had a warrant out. I was hiding under insulation while the police searched the house for me. The next day I turned myself in, went to treatment, and even though it has not been easy, I never looked back. We are not losers who should be left to die and judged. We are people in the grips of a disease who need support and compassion. I also wish people understood that recovery is possible. I am living proof, and the programs and treatment facilities are worth the money as they save lives. Incarceration is not the answer, people become addicted because they lack other coping skills to deal with stress, anxiety, depression, PTSD, anger, etc., and the drugs take away physical and emotional pain. Throwing someone in a jail cell is not going to get to the root of the problem, it will only increase those feelings and lead right back to drug use. Three years ago when I got in trouble, if I was thrown in jail instead of being able to do treatment court, I would not have a job working with recovering addicts, I would not have an apartment or car, I would not have graduated college last semester, and I certainly would not have my two beautiful children. These programs allowed me, and many others, to become productive members of society. Addiction is not a moral failing, it is a disease and the only way to stop this epidemic is for people to show compassion and understanding and stop judging and condemning addicts, because they will not come forward for help for fear of being judged and rejected. We already feel bad enough about ourselves, we don't need to hear what "scumbags" and "losers" we are. If communities come together to help build each other back up, work together on prevention, and get to the root of the problem and begin working on the solution, together we can fight this disease. I work at a peer-support recovery center and see recovery in action everyday. I also see many go back out, and I lost my best friend to heroin last year. Combating addiction has become the focus of my life, and helps me maintain my own recovery, but it takes the whole community.
